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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22741792">not just a memory</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saraste/pseuds/Saraste'>Saraste</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Femslash February 2020 [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Femslash February 2020, Not Canon Compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:21:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>638</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22741792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saraste/pseuds/Saraste</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carmilla | Mircalla Countess Karnstein/Laura</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Femslash February 2020 [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619392</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Femslash February</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>not just a memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sudden sight of Carmilla halts me where I stand. I can barely breathe and my heart is beating so loud in my ears that I think that people outside in the street must hear it, not just my dearest Carmilla. I wear my heart in my sleeve and drink her in, the sight of her, wishing against all hope that she might be real, that she could be real, even when my deepest heart knows that she cannot, for had I not been made aware of her destruction, her final gruesome ignamous death?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stand frozen, rooted to the spot, looking at the pretty apparition standing with her back onto the balcony, at the night-time breeze of the mediterranean making her dark hair billow free and wild about her, her flimsy garments swirl around her, making her look every inch the ghost she is, a memory haunting me as punishment for my weakness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For I still love her, </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> love her until the moment when all breath leaves my body and my heart stands still, though how it still beats even now, as broken as it is, I cannot say, I still love her and I let them slay her, take her away and end her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That smile on those beloved lips is still the same, it is like a beacon, calling me, that mouth with sharp teeth flashing in the candlelight…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Please say you’re not just a memory…’ I plead before I can stop myself while she stalks to me, still saying nothing, still smiling like she always did, still making my heart flutter and my body feel like it’s waking after an endless sleep, ready to burst, to shake out of my very bones. ‘Carmilla.’ I dare utter her name, that beloved name I have no right saying, and it is like a dam has broken and I weep, even if I still cannot move, for I dare not make sure for myself that she is not real after all, that I really am imagining all of this, that I am alone and will never…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘To death and after, didn’t I say...’ this apparition, this beloved person, this other half of my heart says, says Carmilla, Millarca, Mircalla countess Karnstein, cupping my cheek with her chill hand, ‘...my dearest Laura.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I choke a sob and could expire on the spot for happiness, but would not, could not, not now that she is </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>, that we are both. My body can move once more and I catch her into my arms, bury my face into the abundance of her dark hair and breathe freely for the first time in what feels like centuries. ‘I will never let them take you again,’ I vow into her curls, my hands fitting easy around her body like they had never left her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her exhalation is cold on my neck, making me shiver, and my whole body throbs and shivers with waiting, with the anticipation of a creedy child about to receive a treat, even when this is a lovers gesture, Carmilla’s gesture. ‘Nor you from me,’ she promises, Carmilla does, and then she gives me her sharpest kiss, the most desired kiss save one, and drinks and unites us once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I feel her in my head and in my veins and in my blood, whispering and chanting her love, her adoration pouring into me, her love possessing me like never before. I make a broken sound and arch into her kiss, no more frozen, but on fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My mouth is full of wordless protest as her kiss leaves my neck, but as she kisses me on the lips, my protesting action is soothed and I revel in the taste of myself on her lips, drunk on the forbidden decadence of it all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I will never be alone again.</span>
</p>
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